Sharing Is So Incredibly Hard

Unless you have experienced what happens as your love slowly disappears before your eyes. I am not sure you will understand nor, am I sure that I can put into words what it is like. I wake some mornings with my wife wanting to know who I am and wanting to know what I am doing in her house.  That may be followed by moments later with her wondering where she is, and why she is here. While it is sad and disturbing for me, it has to be incredibly frighting for her. She will retreat to the bathroom and have a conversation with herself in the mirror. This is where she feels safe.

As I attempt to soothe her anxiety by making sure she is hydrated, fed and no other discomforts. There are times that she does not want me in the room or anywhere near. So I will leave a plastic sippy cup of sweet tea and a breakfast bar where she will find it. I’ll check back in, I am never more than an earshot away because she has fallen multiple times, I’ll replenish her tea and breakfast bar as needed. This ritual will last from several minutes to most of the day. Sometimes the only thing that will change the situation is what I call a ‘reset’.  A change, for us now a reset is our friend and caregiver Kim coming in. I think she can better relate to another woman now, but I am unsure. It is, however, a change, something new, a distraction from the previous battle. Does the trick most of the time.

As I sit here watching her pace the floor.

I’ll have to finish the story later, it is just too hard.


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